Dealing with

For sure, as I’ve mentioned in my previous entries, I was not able to handle losing my sister about 10 months ago.

But at this moment, I’ve never been so sure that I can handle disappointment as well as lost. Come to think of it, I guess I did pretty well in handling lost because I’ve never felt so lost being disappointment.

The moment when you felt that your life crumbles down right infront of you, together with your hopes and dreams. While the birds continue to fly across the sky and the moon just continue to shine, but there I am, there’s like nothing I can do to deal with this disappointment that left me flat on the ground. Seriously, having no expectations will not disappoint you even more right? But what happen when you get disappointment even without setting any ideal expectations or just any expectations that soar high above you.

I think together with this disappointment, I give up. I give up totally. I wouldn’t want to be sticking around to be here, getting disappointment.

So I guess Im better in dealing with lost, rather than disappointment.

Of grades and life

Does your grades in high school define your life? Yes to some, no to others.

How much impact can your grades have on your life? ‘IT MEANS EVERYTHING!’ to some, ‘Doesn’t really matter as long as I am able to get a good job and live happily’ said some.

Frankly speaking, I can’t say that my grades didn’t really matter when I was a student or that I felt my grades won’t have an impact in my life at all. It was a big deal to a certain extent and yes it impacted my life to a certain extent.

Over the years from primary school till secondary school, when I was in junior college, right up till uni days, I can say that my grades did have a huge impact in my life. Infact, it determines where I’m heading to, which institution I’m going to further my studies at.

First, my over-confidence during PSLE led me to my 5th choice of secondary school, and yes, where I was posted to, was dependable on my grades. My playful-self in lower secondary landed me in the last class of my stream when I was in upper secondary, thanks to my grades. My hardwork for my O levels paid off and because of my grades again, I was accepted in a junior college. Being in junior college, I was back to my playful-self and hence affected my grades during A levels and I couldn’t get anywhere. I did NOTHING, practically NOTHING for a year when my other friends are in university. My not-so-serious self in NIE left me with a diploma and was not even offered the degree programme, and so I was posted out to a local secondary school to teach. I waited for 2 years before enrolling myself into a degree program and thank God I made it. My grades are responsible for the pay I’m getting now.

For sure, my grades affected my route to be successful academically. And definitely played a big part in my life’s timeline.

But how again has it affected the quality of my life? How do you then define quality of life? To each it’s own maybe?

Today here I am sitting here, pondering and wondering what will happen to the young life whose future is going to be affected by her grade – that one grade. She will not be able to get into the institution she hoped for, it will then affect the subjects she will be taking, and then affect her academic pathways, and so on. I have been pondering for the longest time, just thinking how was she feeling at that point of time – upon looking at her grades – and how it just crushed her dreams.

Is life that unfair?

I always say this: Your results is highly dependable on your efforts. Don’t expect good results when you don’t put in enough effort.

Now, I’m just picturing how much effort had she put in prior to the exams…she must have been staying up all night long studying, reading and perfecting her sentences and trying to make sense of what she wrote.

I fully agree that grades will not determine someone’s quality of life. There can be miracles, twist of fate maybe, and you’ll be successful then. I also agree that quality of life goes beyond grades; it’s about continuous effort, passion, love, hardwork and the list goes on.

As much as we hate to associate grades and our future, it plays a part. esp here, in our country.

A new phase

Being in twentytwelve is a big deal. Back in 2000, I didn’t even imagine who I was and what would I be doing in 2012. So here I am, 2nd day into the year. Alot of things taking place this year. The main thing of which that I will be married in November later on this year. Part of me is really looking forward to moving on to the next new phase in my life and part of me is pretty anxious and nervous in fact. Not knowing what to expect in the next few months to come and what is expected of me getting into the married phase, I shall be nice to myself and not expect everything to be great. I will just keep on going and I need to remind myself to keep on living too and be happy. To be happy with myself and him.

I am grateful to have him in my life and am blessed to be with him. No one said it’s going to be easy, and I know it was not easy at all, but I know it’s going to be worth it I thank God for him and I think there must be a reason why he’s still around up till today and that I pray for us <3

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.
- Eat Pray Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)

An addiction

I love TV. Ever since I was young, I watched drama serials religiously.

I remembered watching all the Chinese drama serials every day; there’s the 3pm, 7pm and 9pm drama that goes on every single day. That’s where I picked up my Mandarin. At this age, I still understand what my Chinese friends are talking about. A powerful impact on my life indeed. Through this also, I got to know handsome Chinese actors like Chen Hanwei (dont u love his soft hair?!) and also Li Nanxing (hunk of CH8 I tell you, haha!). Anyway yup I still get excited when I chanced upon Chen Hanwei filming at Suntec!

When I was in my teens, I started watching US shows. There was 90210 (90′s version with the gorgeous Luke Perry – u remember?!), Friends (love love love Jen’s hair), Felicity (I’m madly in love with Ben Covington i tell you!), ER, Alley McBeal (she’s just sooo funny!) and others. These was all way before CSI or LOST or Heroes. The thing about the dramas in the 90s, they discussed issues which are close to our hearts; things we go through, stuffs we understand, we love the real-life characters. I guess that’s why some of them still stay vivid in my mind. I love love them. For the record, I love The Mentalist too. Patrick Jane – H.O.T.

So recently, about a year back, I just took Grey’s Anatomy Season 1 from the shelf in one of those dvd/cd store. I know that there’s no way I could resist McDreamy when I bought the season 1 dvd. I knew it. So I end up watching day & night, well I could afford the time because it was holidays at that time. From then on, I started buying the next few seasons dvd. I have yet to buy Season 7 though. Anyway the thing about watching your favourite dramas all over again, is that you know your not rushing with time and you have all the time in the whole time to sit and walk through the life of those characters and understand them better. I love Grey. As twisted as she might be, she’s one strong character. I love her. I love Yang for her guts and bravery and brain. I love O’Malley too. Of cos I love Shepherd – it’s the hair. Hahah! Watching these, or watching them, at this age (me being in my late twenties now) make me understand people better, make me understand life better. Some might find it shallow, and some might think that it’s all just drama, nothing for real at all. For me, these are not movies that make you feel good. Grey’s Anatomy does not make me feel good; other than Shepherd , but it’s more of making me aware of some things and issues. They make me think about so many things, about sooo many issues. It’s not just sex and them sleeping around with their colleagues. It’s beyond that. When O’Malley died in season 6, I cried like he was my friend, and that he died. Gosh. I teared and teared.

This year, I decided to go back way before Grey’s. I searched high and low for Felicity. Why Felicity? I’ve always loved Ben. Haha! Back then, I was watching the drama because of Ben, and Felicity’s hair of course. For the past month, I started watching Felicity from season 1. At this age, watching Felicity made me realised how real and honest the drama was. The scripts were so honest. Whatever Ben said, it would be what a normal guy says, not something a girl wants to hear. The things Felicity said on the show, only make me think about myself. What amazed me most is that she went to New York not knowing what in for her, just because of Ben. Some might say that it’s ridiculous, these things don’t happen in real life. But when I thought about it again, it happens everyday right. I mean everyday, I am sure there are people who actually make decisions and follow their heart all the time if not sometimes. Just that, it might not be in the form of following a guy whom you don’t know and travel 3000 miles away from home – that’s bizarre. If you think again, every day we make decisions, whether we are in the right frame of mind or we just decide on things in an impulsive way without thinking and weighing the pros and cons. How did all that impacted our lives, did we ever sit down and think about it? For the record, I’m a hopeless romantic. I chose Ben

My point is, I don’t think it’s just pure entertainment or just to drool over a hot guy in the show. There’s a message there, a learning point(s). It might be different for everyone, you’ll never know. But it’s definitely worth my time and so, i am an addict.

“Make a plan. Set a goal, work towards it.
Every now and then, look around. Drink it in.
’cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.”
- Meredith Grey S5

“Things happened to us; but it’s our reactions that matters” - Felicity

Rindu

Siang menjadi saksi kelemahan diri ini.

Malam menjadi saksi kerinduan aku menyepi.

Matahari memberi kekuatan menghadapi hari demi hari.

Hujan memberi ketenangan bagi jiwa yang sunyi.

Angin, kirimkan salam aku padanya. Berceritalah tentang rinduku padanya.

Tuhan, tempatkanlah dia di tempat yang terindah; dimana bintang-bintang menari gembira, dimana ombak dan air bermain bersama, dimana bunga-bunga tersenyum mekar.

Tuhan, tolong sampaikan kasih dan sayangku padanya, kerna kerinduan ini tidak mungkin terungkap dengan kata-kata, namun hanya dengan suara hati yang Kau lebih mengetahui.